by Amina Mussa Wehelie
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Everybody has a choice when it comes he/she’s life, but there is too much to think about when it comes your own choices, you should think hard and long to choose who you want to be, which way you want to live and who you want to share your life with.
As a Somali Woman I myself have experienced a lot! And I can imagine what my other fellow Somali sisters could gone through. I raised my children alone with just my parents and Allah’s help, I admit there are a lot of topics which are important for us (Somali Women) which have not been covered yet, we have many untold stories.
The reasons we do not talk about the many fascinating things we encounter is longer than your arm, but the biggest of those many reasons is because we are afraid of the backlashes.
The question is WHOM FROM? Who are we afraid of, our men? AND WHY IS THAT? Because they are our biggest critics at same time our biggest lovers. They have this mixed feeling for us, LOVE/HATE feelings and they cannot help, but they make sure put us our place.
Oh, I am sure, you are confused now reader, aren’t you?
Let me take you out your misery and Please try to understand me , I am not seeking trouble here, I am just making a point, a point that we lot avoid the most, a point that we are scared to mention, a point we are terrified just to remember it.
First and foremost we are a backbone of our country, our people and our community. It doesn’t matter where we are, aboard or home, we work hard. We bless our Men/Husbands (if we have one), we take care our families, we bring up our children (Mostly as orphans with living dad) and we are mothers of peace, even our men know this, they always mentioned their speeches, their chats at tea shops (FADHI-KU-DIRIR) and everywhere they met.
We are an obedient human too, because we always agree with our men with any issue they come up with, and we are the best event planners when it comes to welcome our male politicians.
We are good wives inside the house and warriors outside the house, we fight with life issues about everything under the sky, and we are lovers and sex objects in our houses too, sometimes we are victims of different kinds of abuses on our beloved men too. We do allow all of those things happening around us we could not blame on somebody else, could we?
But then we are everywhere you go, inside our mother country (DAL-JOOG) and diaspora (DIBAD- JOOG) and refugees (IN CAMPS WITH NOTHING).
Let me get my point and please don’t hate me for saying this, you will know little about how our men behave, unless you are a woman and divorcee (GAROOB/CARMAL).
The mayhem starts when we are divorced by our husband, and left with a lot of his and of course our kids, alone, penniless, with no rights, no posh lawyer to seek your revenge, poor and weak single mother.
You should face the world with no money, no help, no country (If you live aboard) with small kids, who don’t know anything about what is going on, and if you are a good mother(Depends whether you are strong enough to rise them with-out getting mad and go into mental institutes) then you are on your own.
Those of us who are enough clever, full stops there a big part of their life, and put their sexual needs on hold, while their children are very young and do not have a clue what is happening between their parent (The reason of this, is very hard to explain, but mostly it is because you should protect your kids, or you could not face another man while you are in that little mess of yours).
You wake up every morning to do your endless tasks and chores as a single mother, routines of life are not ending anytime soon, so every night you gone to bed tired like a donkey, knackered like a farmer’s dog and even you would not feel that bed is very big for you only to sleep.
Your famine feelings are gone and you did not feel any attraction toward men, all the lives around you is demanding, there are too much to do then, you should send your children to schools, universities or training courses, in order to get them skills to live by, you should protect them from anything, it doesn’t stop there, you also needs to do something on your life, and make it better, so you should go to schools, colleges or universities, as there is no other breadwinner at your household, you should go to work too and earn their living, this is you filling yours and their father’s shoes, does not matter how many times you wonder what he (Their father) is doing by now, while you are straggling the life of your children but you will always remember what everybody else says (YOUR SOMALI RELATIVES) from both sides the best advice they could give you is: BE PATIENT! (ISKA SABAR) but whatever you do, you are still alone with no one in your life rather then you little companions (YOUR CHILDREN), so you are trapped with them and they stick with you, after all you are their mother and a father both, they will grow day to day and realizing more and more true about their life, they would like to make your life better if they can, but then they are very little to be able to make a change any time soon.
If your children are girls it is easier rather than to be boys, girls listened you well then boys, so boys needs their fathers more than anything and you do not have a father for them, it is not your fault but he choose for you that, but with the help of Allah, you are very lucky if your boys listened you better, as they have not a choice.
You are very lucky and lucky enough if you do not fall from the cart and hang in there till that god (ALLAH) make it pass all that hardships, you are lucky enough too if you don’t commit suicide or your doctors not to give you antidepressant tablets, if you do not become ill then your mother blessed you high (HABARTAA AA KUU SOO DUCEYSAY.)
It is hard and everybody knows what a single mothers could get through just to bring up her children, but then the funny part is coming and starting when you are ready to date again.
First of all, you should be very careful because you were out of the game for long time, or somehow you are not updated well the modern dating system, because so many things changed while you are running after the kids, and obligate your duty of been single-mother, you are scared as shit! To date or trust a man again, you could get a lot of flash back of your bad time with your former and gone for good husband, you could remember all of his bad falls with you, the shouting’s, the badmouthing, the personal insults or sometimes the hitting’s, your black eyes, your broken nose, your bloody cheeks, your river of tears all your visible wounds after he battered you, like you are in a ring with Mike Tyson.
You could also question yourself over and over again (can I go through that heart attack all over again?) because you are not sure what kind of man will be, the coming one (NEW ONE).
Believe me, a divorcee women has more fear than virgin young ladies when it comes to involve with men because of their previous life experiences.
But then you realized that you need someone in your life, someone to love you and you love him back, someone to be close and hold you and you do the same, someone to give you a warm hugs and you give one too, someone to care about you and you care about him, someone to cherish you and make you happy and you do the same, someone that you can share your future achievements and sorrows both, someone you know that he will be there for you.
Most of us (Somali single mothers) we don’t care about non-Somali men, even if they are our fellow Africans, our Arab descents or all those Muslim men from the Islam world, because we are traditional women, we listened well and fellow the steps of our parents who brought us up with traditional certain way, or whatever, our ears echoing that famous sayings: MARRY WHOM YOU KNOW TO GET WHAT YOU KNOW! (WAXAAD TAQAAN GUURI, WAXAD TAQAAN BAAD DHASHAAYE!) so our suitors are only Somali men, because we love them dearly even if they broke our heart so many times or shattered our inside mirrors into many tiny pieces.
It is not a crime that you need a man in your life after what you have gone through all by yourself, and it is not a bad thing if you want a man on your life again, you deserve it, but what is bad is, to hate all the men because of your former husband’s sake and to get angry all their lot and be afraid to get married again.
After all you are a Muslim woman and it is not an option to have a relationship with a man or sleep with him, outside of marriage lock.
So when every you need a man you should make sure that he marries you whether it is an official married (GUUR QOF KASTA OGYAHAY) or a secret married (GUUR QUDBO SIRO AH), you must make sure you gone HALAAL!
But then what is going to happen after you make up your mind, be ready yourself back to the dating market and become a darling lady of Somali man again, is beyond the believe.
First of all you will be confused and same time surprised, and you will never guess what is there for you.
From the start you should answer that nagging questions from them (Our Beloved Somali men) which they keep asking you all the time, but this time you should be honest once and for all and whenever they pop that familiar question on you: ARE YOU MARRIED? DO YOU HAVE A HUSBAND? (MA LAGU QABAA? NIN MIYAAD LEEDAHAY? (Their accents depends which region in Somalia they come from, and you should make sure your answer is prompt: NO I AM NOT MARRIED, NO, I AM DIVORCEE. (MAYA LA IMA QABO, MAYA GAROOB BAAN AHAY).
As far as you answer that question you are on board! And now, sexy questions hitting you more than anything.
A lot of men are chasing you now and then as you are a virgin again, your nights are more excited than your days, although sometimes depending your social statues (weather you are educated woman or famous) how many suitors to glance your direction, but then always there are a lot of admires.
If you are on social media such as (Facebook, Tango, Viber, WhatsApp) your admirers become a lot till you would not know who they are anymore or forget about their names, confused but excited.
And frankly younger men are needier then the older men, but surprisingly, the older men are more talking dirty then the younger men, I am not sure where this mentality based but older men always seeking more than they get from their current wife (OR WIVES) or their previous partners.
And if you are an honest mummy you are likely to ask them their age those you suspected thay are boys rather than men, because you do not want to date your eldest son, do you?
And they are like to say calmly: SWEATY I AM OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY YOU! Then here you are! Hesitated more and you are repeating yourself now, (NO, HOW OLD ARE YOU SERIOUSLY?) Then when he realizes that you are serious about the question, he either tells you the correct age of his, or lying about it and top-up his real age, in order to fool you.
But then they are polite mostly (The young ones) as I mentioned earlier, but then they are nagging about everything about you.
He is just like your child, and ask you mostly un-intentional silly questions or annoying you more, then you better start to think your escape route now sooner, rather than later.
The older one, ooooh my goodness! The older ones, they are more civilized but then mostly are divorcees like you or they are on transit from their wives to other single mother who either live same country that you live or another continent (Mostly east Africa or Arab world).
Sometimes they are ex-taxi Drivers with no education background or want to be MP’s to at somewhere in Somalia (The most attractive job in now days) or they are eager to join the crazy politics in Somalia, or they are small traders.
Then dirty talking emerged suddenly without decent introduction and before you know, your body will be an issues.
They don’t ashamed to pointing your little body of you, and if you have a little meat covering enough on your little tied bones, you will be like a little goat at a livestock market.
It is compulsory to mention in his conversations many times ROMANTIC MA TAHAY? (Are you romantic?) if ALLAH (God) planned for you to have a bad time on that moment, the conversations and dating talk, turned more interrogating as you are in Police station giving a statement or reporting with them a crime you have witnessed.
Don’t be shocked if he asks you about from your boobs to your bums and your curves too or more sinister parties of your little body.
If you are a polite women, you will be gobsmacked how far our men can get their dating skills (SHUKAANSI).
And they all want to tell you straight away how he seems you, how he would like to do this and that on you if you are his wife, he won’t ashamed and he will go on and go on and go on, and everything turned a porn movie!
If you are lucky to ask him, how he know your body and how god almighty create you as he did not seen you before face to face let alone naked, he would not mind to tell you that he saw you on Facebook, and looked your pictures, that you will think about and ask yourself, AM I MAD AND PUT MY FACEBOOK MY NAKED PHOTOS! And you are like: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, HE ALREADY CHECKED AND WATCHED MY PHOTOS!
Hang on don’t be surprised or wonder why, but you keep asking yourself HOW COULD HE? MAYBE HE LEFT HIS WIFE RECENTLY, A MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, HOW COULD HE TALK TO YOU LIKE THIS?
This body talking are not restricted from age, all men whatever their age are, they ask.
They make your body an issues, but then there are Somali tradition, this is not new but the way to referral, is too different and too dangerous now.
All the Somali old or new poems are been mentioned Somali Girls and their bodies, Skin colors, whiteness their teeth and their long black hairs.
But what if my body is not the way they want! I am sure I am not the same how I was or used to be, what about if every single mother does not have the body to bless her new admirers?
What is more interesting is, they are living western countries where every woman want to like slim and slander but our men want you to have enough boobs, small waist and big bums.
Honestly if we work hard we could get that small waist but then what about that most wanted boobs and bums! Shall we steal or here we live in western world so it is possible that boobs and bums are available to rent?
The other laughable matter is, if they think that you are too beautiful and sexy then your age, they keep admiring you, giving complements showering you with love songs more than that you could handle and make you very shy and little girl again, until you become out of words.
Surely they are here with us, watching TV’s, how could they expect you to become ugly because just you are single mother! Don’t they hear or see MADONNA? (She is granny and still dancing like a crazy, beautiful girl like she is in her twenties!)
One of other realty is when you built your life back and but on track, your former husband surfaced again, now all the kids grow up and if you are enough wise you took care yourself too, you work hard, you get one or two certificate, you educate yourself, you get your snooze back which you lost when your children are very young, you may hit the gym too and eat healthy food as you can concentrate your little lost life now, then you become a more beautiful, so he cannot help and here he is showing up without a warning, want to start where he left it.
To be honest, you will give up your dreams to date again on spot or to get a new husband before you started or your first tempted.
But there are so many lovely Somali men out there who would be a good and trustable husbands, but you will see them just if you are lucky enough, but the chance is very limited.
Most Somali Women (And the other women too) living in western countries are depressed for been single mothers, there are a lot of Somali Women who have had their children taken by Social Services, sadly the fathers of their children are in same countries and enjoying life as they wish, the truth is getting bitter if you just look around yourself or researched our life of Somali Families living in the west, especially the UK is the most country that Somali single mothers live, we are very grateful to have at least a second country that takes care of us and our kids, but then you will be sad enough how our men are behaving and forgetting their responsibilities.
So the big question is: Is it too hard to be a Somali single mother in western world?
Amina Mussa Wehelie
A somali/British Senior Journalist/Author