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‘Repeat after me: I am very busy and important.’ Photograph: Pinnacle Pictures/Getty Images
‘Repeat after me: I am very busy and important.’ Photograph: Pinnacle Pictures/Getty Images

Eleven rules to live by if you want to make it to the top at the UN

This article is more than 7 years old

Remember fellow aid workers, you can never have enough capacity building, transparency or meetings

As we all know, national staff are all dying to become international staff. Who wouldn’t want a salary ten times higher along with their own driver? But how to do it? How to make that apparently impossible leap?

Well, comrades, finally the wait is over. Here, after many years of observation at close quarters as a national aid worker at a UN agency that will remain nameless, are the crucial rules for how to act, look and sound like international staff. Consider this my contribution to your “capacity building”.

1 Always, always talk about how busy you are

It does not matter if it detracts from the actual work you’re meant to be “busy” doing. It is extremely important that everyone around you knows that you just regrettably don’t have time to mentor all the national staff you came here to save.

2 Talk about the context

Constantly remind people how completely different this country is to you know, your household. Take your pick from “the context here is very different”, “the context is extremely challenging”, or my personal favourite “the context is fucking us over”.

3 Remember capacity building is your number one priority

You cannot put enough emphasis on how humble you are and how much you believe the national staff are the “bread and butter” of your operation. You are here for one reason only, damn it – to build their capacity (well, and to collect your per diem). Try throwing this around from time to time: “We are not here to stay, it’s you, the national staff that will remain, so the solution is in your hands.” If an insolent national dares say something along the lines of “but I’ve been working here 15 years, don’t you think that if my capacity isn’t built by now I just suck?” repeatedly shout “No, we have to build your capacity” in a very urgent, stressed tone (until someone suggests you go on R&R).

4 Boss the host government around

Don’t forget you’re also here to build the capacity of your partners and of government entities. As an international staff member with tons of experience, you have earned the right to come to a screwed-up country and tell the government what to do. Tell them that children’s shoes that squirt water to grow trees as they skip about happily after being well fed, clothed and educated by the UN is the idea of the century.

5 Complain about the system

No one else around you knows what they are doing. No one is doing their job. All other agencies but your own are so “bureaucratic and slow” and you have to deal with all of this. Continue shaking your head and taking a deep breath when talking to people and always end conversations with this powerful statement: “I guess I am the only person capable of doing this extremely difficult task, I will figure out what one plus two is but look *deep breath, shake head*, I’m really busy, but our beneficiary is the real boss here so I’m solving this.”

6 Don’t be modest about your personal suffering either

Talk about how much you are going through in whichever third world country you are in – doesn’t matter if it isn’t actually the third world, doesn’t matter if it’s amazing. Always act like you are there by force and that you had no option but to be stuck in this hellhole.

7 Get nostalgic about going to the field

This is a must in any UN agency. If you want to be an international staff member you have to repeatedly point out to everyone around you how you love doing fieldwork, but unfortunately don’t get the chance to go as often as you would like because you are so busy (refer to point one).

8 Think of creative ways to empower people

Look, this one is simple. You are here to empower people. How? By continuing to repeat the word over and over again, shoving it down people’s throats. Maybe think outside this blooming box they won’t stop talking about. Try whispering “empower” in a creepy Nightmare on Elm Street sort of way, sing it, get it printed on T-shirts, or shout it from the swimming pool at your state-of-the-art guesthouse.

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9 Transparency is the answer to everything

Every so often, mention how someone is not “transparent” and how we value “transparency”. You can use this for anything really.

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10 Do not mention colonialism

If you are white, and only if you are white, talk about how tribal issues are really holding your host country back from “progressing economically, politically and socially”. Express extreme shock at this phenomena, and how it just does not make sense to you. Do not mention colonialism. Stay away from that.

11 Call for meetings

All day. Every day. For everything. Most importantly, in those meetings you have to make sure you use the word “strategy” at least 17 times – strategy, strategise, strategically etc. Just make sure you strategically place it in as many sentences as you can. Key words also include innovative, cutting edge and groundbreaking. Open the meeting with a statement about how busy you were motivating your national staff.

FYI, I am writing this during my work hours so although I hate to point out the obvious, you clearly all haven’t motivated me for shit. Just putting that out there...

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